Quick friend poll:

Busy Target. Lines at every open register. Cart with items in it at end of one line.

No one standing at the cart. I walk by and stand in next line. Another person comes up to get behind the "Personless Cart (PC)," asks me if it is someones. I say "No, but here let me move it." I move it. About 30 seconds later, PC owner comes back. Looks at lady in line now and say "Well thanks a lot." I speak up that I moved it cause no one was there. She explains to me that she was gone for "like a minute and a half" because "she went to find a candy bar."

Was I wrong to move the PC?

A good reason to "put down" humans...

Not much can be said for this story. It is irony wrapped in an enigma. But it just shows the amount of stupidity running rampant in this world. As reported by the Associated Press:


Va. SPCA exec's dog dies after 4 hours in hot car

RICHMOND, Va. (AP) -- An executive for an anti-animal cruelty group says her 16-year-old blind and deaf dog died after she accidentally left him in her hot car for four hours.

Robin Starr, the CEO of the Richmond Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, says she didn't realize "Louie" was in the car until noon. Starr's husband, Ed, told the Richmond Times-Dispatch he put the dog in her car as she got ready for work Aug. 19. She often took the dog to work with her.

Robin Starr took the dog to two clinics, but he died of kidney failure.

The National Weather Service says the temperature had reached 91 degrees by noon that day.

The board of the SPCA says it still supports Starr, who has been CEO since 1997 and does not plan to resign. It was unclear whether she would be charged.


What? Really? Not going to resign?

• YOU ARE THE CEO OF AN ORGANIZATION THAT FIGHTS AGAINST ANIMAL CRUELTY!!!!!
• YOU BAKED AN ELDERLY DOG IN YOUR DAMN CAR!!!!
• YOU SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO BREATH, NOT TO MENTION RUN A COMPANY LIKE THIS.

And her excuse, Oops, I didn't know. What? Why is no one held to any standards anymore. When did Oops become a get out of jail free card.

• Oops, I shot my damn fool self in the leg trying to pull my gun out of my sweats.
• Oops, I drowned dogs for a while, but I can throw a ball.
• Oops, we photo-shopped a black guy out of our overseas adds, please buy our computers.
• Oops, I smoked crack ever since I found my mouth, please let me be mayor....twice....now a councilman. Oh yeah and Oops on the stalking and tax evasion.

WTF people? We need to take a real close look at our brother or sister human next to us, and smack that fool on the back of the head. Because there are stupid people everywhere.

Thus saith the King.

I need a hero...

A story hit the front pages yesterday about a man that went into a gym that he frequented.

Entered a dance class with 30 people, mostly women, in it.
Rummaged through his duffel bag.
Turned out the lights.

And opened fire on the entire class. Eye witnesses described it as flashes in the dark. With each of these muzzle flashes, George Sodoni was condemning the ones who had rejected him for some 48 years. When the smoke cleared 3 women were dead and 9 others were wounded. And of course this sorry, sadistic loser turned the guns on himself.

Now he wasn't actually targeting any one individual. Just women in general. He claimed in his diary, what I can only describe as mental bowel movements on paper, that he has spent his entire life being rejected by women.

And that is all the free press I am going to give this worthless, weak, and sick individual. Because my wife and queen of Claydonia stated: "I don't like giving anti social losers the the time of day. This is what he wanted....somebody to see him."

I don't give a shit about this man's woes, or how his mommy didn't hug him enough, or his daddy wasn't there, or whatever reason he might claim. What I am saying is that ALL of us have had awkward times with the opposite sex. It's called HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!! And, yes, there are some of them that never get past 1st base and turn around to find themselves 30 or 40 years old and never having touched "lady parts." BIG DEAL!!! You know what normal people like that do? One of two things.

1. Since they didn't spend college in the back of a beat up Volvo station wagon, they get really good grades, which lead to really good jobs, which leads to women wanting a sugar daddy. All of you women out there who just got really offended, suck it up, you all know there are girls like this out there. They are the ones you gossip about before church starts. And yes, I went there. So sue me for calling church what it is.
2. PAY FOR IT!!!!!! This is why Las Vegas and the Bunny Ranch exist. Jesus, you have a good job and lots of money. Figure it out. Round peg goes in the round hole.

So that takes care of how to handle the issue about contact with the women-folk. Now onto the point of the title of this blog. I, King of Claydonia, need some more heroes. Sully was too long ago and they never released the names of the awesome guys that sniped those pirates to save the American ship captain. I would have sent them a bottle of Bombay Sapphire and my first born for that little stunt.

So why is it that we have no more heroes? Idiots like this Sodini douche, the VA Tech and Columbine shooters are all doing it the wrong way. As the bad guy, you have no right to decide when your life ends. You are supposed to go in, take some hostages, and stand by a window. At that point you will allow what should be done to be done. That being turning your head into a pink mist from 1000 yards away. Thus giving you what you wanted...to die; and me what I wanted.....a hero to admire and a great story for my grand kids someday.

Look I know there are F-ed up people out there, and that they are going to do horrible things to their fellow man. All that I ask is to let the ending of their life be a spectacle for the ages. Don't turn the gun on yourself, all that does is make the few negotiators talking with you have to pretend to care about you for a hot second. Let someone be a hero! Is that too much to ask?

Just listen to the cops.....please....

In light of recent news, and a lengthy and often hilarious search on YouTube for police video, I have come to a conclusion:

IF YOU DON'T GIVE COPS A HARD TIME YOU WILL NOT BE TASERED, MACED, BEAT, OR SHOT.

I am not sure where our society made the turn and suddenly thought that it was OK to question, protest, or defy an authority figure. All these bleeding-heart, Prius-driving, blind-to-the-real-world losers really need a wake up call. When you boil it down, cops are just upholding the law, and putting their lives on the line in the process. As a former MP, the first thing on your mind as a cop is the fact that no matter what happens tonight, I am going home to my family when my shift is over. That is by any means necessary. So cops have to handle every situation as they were trained, and that is to escalate the force as the opposition escalates. And the rule of this escalation: Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. Therefore all you liberals crying about police brutality need to understand that as an offender escalates their actions the cop will escalate just past the level of force shown. And believe it or not, taser/mace is at the bottom of the list of force. These allow the officer to not put himself too close to the person and risk bodily harm to himself. And trust me there are a lot more levels of force on that list.

But all this would not be necessary if people would just listen to the officer. Here are a few words of wisdom to live by, cause if you don't you might not be living at all at the end of it:

1. At the time of the ticket or arrest do not try to plead your case! Is the cop wearing a black robe? NO. Then he is not a judge and cannot say if you are innocent or guilty of the crime in which you have committed, and if he is wearing a robe you have been fooled and should not bend over the hood like he is asking. Nothing like a cavity check with both hands on your shoulders.
2. If a cop has to repeat a command to you, you better know how to count. You get two maybe three times before he escalates, and by escalate I mean pain flying in your direction. Because believe it or not, non-compliance is an arrestable offense.
3. If a cop pulls something for the "Bat Belt," now would be a good time to shut up and lay down. Nothing on that belt is made of a pretty clouds and bunnies. That belt will cause you more pain this slapping your wang against a bee hive. So lets all repeat this mantra shall we: "Hand to belt, dick to dirt."Everyone will be happier and more Zen after.
4. If, by some reason, you didn't read 1-3 and you get the wrong end of the cop's toys, now would be an opportune time to shut up and do what he is now screaming at you. Plus no one sounds cool when they get tasered, which usually sounds like a cross between "the scene" in Deliverance and Chewbacca masturbating.

These four simple rules are best to live by. Now for all you crying liberals who want justice for a certain professor in the news, let me work a quick scenario over you.

You are on vacation. You don't know a lot of your neighbors. But one old cat lady (we all know one) is staring out her window and sees two guys breaking a window and climbing into your home. She calls the cops and two units arrive. They knock on the door and the robbers yell through the door that this is their house and there is no problem. They just locked themselves out and had to break a window to get it. The cops take the on their word, and never have even laid eyes on the subject, leave the scene. You return home from you vacation of protesting at some soldier's funeral to find that your house has been emptied and you have nothing. No bed for your inbred children to sleep. No computer to shop eBay with your government check. And most of all no 52" LCD TV to sit you fat ass in front of while you suck the life out of this society. Plus can your puny brain even fathom the shit storm that the cops would be in for just leaving on someones word? Trust but verify.

Sound about right, this kind of shit doesn't happen in Claydonia.

Why I love gays...wait not like that...

Pop quiz: "What does a room full of gay men have a lot of?"

Answer: No, not matching shoes and handbags, but BALLS.

Now let me start this off by saying that I have nothing against homosexuals. Not my cup of tea, nor do I agree with the life choice, but to each his own. And something everyone should know is that no other group of people, not blacks, not Hispanics, maybe Jews but......anyways, have taken more shit and gotten nothing in return than the gay community. They also are used to it and can really fuck up your party if they want to get back at someone or a group of someones and make a statement.

And the group of someones that I am talking about today are the God-damned Mormons. Now this group of waterheads is always stepping on their dicks somehow and making their organization look moronic and leading to a day of bad press. Not that they need any help in that category.

Here is a little back ground for this story. 10 years ago the Mormon Church Headquarters in Salt Lake City bought Main Street Plaza from the city. Let me restate that, a fucking city sold part of it's land to a "church" (and I use the term lightly), and not just some group of trees on the out skirts of town, but a entire section in the middle of town. Not only did the city agree to the sale but it allows the security guards on the property to decide who is in violation of the "rules."

So enter our heroes, stage left. Matt and Derek, a gay couple, cutting through the plaza after seeing a concert (might have been a musical, who knows). And I say cutting through because after looking at the aerial photos of this plaza, the city sold them a section of Main Street, and the church closed that section of the road off and built this connecting garden. So not only did they fuck up traffic flow but if you don't want to be subject to any number of security guards' bad day because one of his wives was caught fucking someone else in her secret underwear, then you have to take a two block detour.

(Side note: What church needs security guards? I thought real churches left doors open at night so that the needy were always welcome.)

So Matt and Derek give each other a hug and a kiss. Kinda gross to straight folks, maybe even makes you vomit a bit in your mouth, but nothing to go nuts about right? Wrong, they are immediately approached by security and told to leave the plaza. Which at that point I am sure one of the two men snapped his fingers and swiveled his neck and probably commented on the security guards' father's sexual appetite. Maybe not but they did become argumentative and refused to leave. This lead to the men being handcuffed (probably broke a nail or two in the process) and detained. The Salt Lake City police arrived and the men were charged with misdemeanor trespassing. The guards told them that public displays of affection were not tolerated on the property (the same property where idiot lemming-like Mormons have wedding pictures taken). I haven't even heard that term since high school, but I expect nothing less from a religion founded on the idiot rantings of a teenager.

Wait, what did I say? Trespassing? But they were not informed of the fact that they were trespassing until after the "horrible act of affection." That is not the legal definition of trespassing. I am not going to quote it here but if you want to read it here is the link: http://www.enotes.com/everyday-law-encyclopedia/trespassing.

So that is the back story. Here is what the homosexual community did in retaliation:

They had a Kiss-in. Like a sit-in but a lot more fun. At least 400 showed up right on the boundary of the church's property. Gays and lesbians all sitting around a-kissin' and a-huggin' and showing this church that you really ought to think before you fuck with people. I think it is pretty much like a money shot on the face of the Mormon "church." I wish I could have been there to see it.

So Salt Lake's new motto: "Where the word of the law matters...sometimes...unless it is gays...or non-Mormons...or _______ (fill in the blank)." OR "Wait.....it's not spelled ChurchandState. Oops."

A moment of reflection...

Good morning to the nation of Claydonia!



I first would like you to ponder this question:



"Do you think that God made a finite amount of pain in the world?"



Did he say "Here you go. I don't mind how you spilt it up but there must be this much pain in the world." This statement was made on the Showtime show "Nurse Jackie." And I thought that it would be relevant in today's discussion. It definitely makes you think.



Now taking that the statement above is true, then I hope that soon a lot of people will be feeling better. Why do you ask? Because a very deserving person has been graced with.....wait for it.........CANCER.




What? Huh? No one deserves cancer right? WRONG! Kim Jong-il does. Yes, the leader of North Korea has cancer. And like most people with "short man syndrome" he had to show everyone that he has the best cancer. And by "best" I mean one of the worst types to get: pancreatic cancer. Since it is not usually found early on, it median survival from diagnosis is 3 to 6 months.

Considering his political stance and the nuclear testing his country has done, he (ironically) has been in the proverbial dick measuring contest for a while with the rest of the world. So this news is pretty much welcome.



So today while sitting at work, try to take a minute to think of all the children and good people in this world that are sick or in pain. And let's all wish Kim Jong-il's cancer a happy growing, spreading (maybe to his colon), and pain causing day. Maybe before this bastard leaves this world, he can suffer for a while and relieve the suffering of at least a few people.



Let me know what you think.

The first to fall to Claydonia

It is events like the drive home today that start my weekend off so great. Let me give you a little background for those not in Northern VA.

I-95 heading out of DC had a set of HOV lanes running down the middle of the north and south bound lanes. In the afternoon these lanes are moving south. In the grass between these lanes there are some pass throughs for emergency vehicles only spaced out sporadically the length of the HOV lanes. These pass throughs allow the oh-so-bright-shut-down-2-out-of-3-lanes-for-a-fender-bender state police move from the main lanes to the HOV.

Now the event in this story takes place between a few points:

1. A pass through before the 2nd to last exit off the HOV
2. The second to last exit off the HOV
3. A pass through before the last exit of the HOV
4. The last exit off the HOV.

I am heading south on the HOV and notice that the main lanes are starting to really slow down even stop in some places. At this point a state trooper joins the group of cars that I am traveling in. As it often happens, the morons on the main lanes on a Friday afternoon (who must enjoy slamming their own genitalia in doors) see the fast moving traffic in the HOV lane. This sparks a tiny hope in their minds that if they could just get over there they would be in better shape. Then----on the horizon----like a mirage in the dessert, one of these "Authorized Vehicles Only" pass throughs appears. Now the hard part happens, weighing the risk and the reward. So as I am sure all you citizens of Claydonia have guessed, they chose to head through this pass through. As I approach this pass through I notice 3 cars waiting for a break in HOV traffic to merge in from the pass through. Now if you remember from earlier there was a state trooper with us. And for once in my life there was a cop there when you needed one. He flips his lights on and heads towards these vehicles caught red handed illegally merging onto the HOV lanes.

Now a true citizen of Claydonia will feel no remorse for these morons. But not for the reason you think. Not because they should have gotten caught, but because it was a worthless ticket. And here is why:

I mentioned that 95 had already backed up way before this. A seasoned traveler of this area of 95 knows that if 95 is backed up then the HOV will be backed up from the last exit as far as 2+ miles. Us veterans use this knowledge and get off at the 2nd to last exit off the HOV onto 95. From here we get off at the next exit and take the back roads home. So these idiots were getting on a dead end, because they were not far from the 2nd to last exit and were not aware the HOV was going to be backed up. That means that they risked, and in the end received, a ticket just to sit in another hour of traffic with no exits to get off.

What would have been acceptable would be the people on the HOV lanes past the 2nd to last exit attempting to go through the pass through down there and getting a ticket. At this point the ticket is well deserved and you have made a good choice. In fact, your king has attempted this very maneuver, of course sans ticket.

In closing, in Claydonia, the morons I have spoken of would not have been given a ticket. For their stupidity the officer would have escorted them down the HOV lanes to where it began to back up. Sped up and waited for the cars to reach the last exit of the HOV lanes and considering the length of time they sat in traffic, if it was after 3:30 pm I would give them a ticket for not having 3 people in the car. If it was not 3:30 then I would have given them a ticket for improper use of the pass through. Or both, officers discretion.